Introspective Thoughts

An unusual Sunday post. Gotta say some things, but don't really want to talk to anyone, just vent.

Last Monday, I got a call on my cell phone from my sister, Polly. I knew it couldn't be too good, Polly and I are on tense terms. She told me my dad had gone to the hospital on Monday morning, complaining of shortness of breath. She had seen him on Sunday and said he looked a bit greyish, but seemed to be OK. I spoke to him on Sunday and he was the same wise-cracking Dad. Anyway, to make a long story short, I talked to my Mom yesterday and it looked like he was going to be released today. The prognosis, at least what I've gotten, is he has an irregular heartbeat which causes fluid to collect in the lungs. Mom said he was hospitalized awhile ago with the same complaint, but the doctors didn't seem to alarmed. Anyway, Mom called this morning and said that Dad had a bad night, another episode where he needed oxygen, so they're keeping him and he will get a pace-maker Monday or Tuesday. She diagnosed congenitive heart failure.

My niece has been with my mom for the last few days, my older sister will be staying with her for the next few days. I asked my Mom if she wants me to come home, and her answer was 'I'll let you know when it's time.' So I guess this is it? Daddy's always been healthy, he's had issues but he's always come out unscathed, for the most part. I know people live long, happy lives with a pacemaker, but let's face it, Daddy is 84. His father (my grandfather) lived to be 90 and rumor has it he was chloroformed by the nurse at the nursing home because he was a nasty SOB.

My Dad and I haven't always been on the best terms, and I'm sure a lot of it is because we are so much alike. He likes to irritate, piss people off and 'tease' them, which makes living with him very stressful. He has to make a joke of everything, and won't express his opinion in a conversation, it always turns out to be a fight. He's quick to point out your faults, and doesn't too often have a good thing to say to anyone, especially to their face. He's always been terribly moody, and it's become more obvious lately. I've seen all the negative things in him and have tried to change my attitudes and habits when I've recognized that same behavior in me. I don't think I'm as difficult to be around, I try to encourage my friends instead of pointing out faults, and I'm still working on expressing my opinion without using 'that tone of voice'.

On the good side, my Dad is a very social person. He's always had friends to run with, he's funny, cracks jokes and can be the life of the party. If we weren't related, I probably would have partied with him. He enjoys doing things, usually as long as beer was concerned. He liked to travel, his vacation every August was always very exciting for us, we always went to visit relatives in different states. The car trips there were always stressful, it's always tough to keep 2 adults and 2 kids peaceful during a 14 hour car trip.

He's never really been a parent, though. He would always accuse us of not respecting him, but he never really established himself as the person in charge. His discipline was really non-existant, Mom was in charge. The few times he did try to discipline us, it was usually to send us to bed without any supper, whatever the infraction was. I remember once, Mom was gone for some reason, which in and of itself was not the norm, and he sent us to bed without any dinner. We were in grade school, so we weren't babies, but we didn't know what was up. We cried and cried, and eventually he brought us food from McDonald's. Talk about mixed signals.

As we got older, it got worse. Daddy could always relate to children better than young ladies, so he really didn't know what to do. We were never allowed to appear in anything other than fully clothed. If we even walked thru the hall with just our slips or pettycoats on, he would yell at us to get dressed, yet he would sit and read the paper in his drawers. We had fights about everything and about nothing. When he was with his friends, lots of times we, especially my mom was the butt of his jokes. He never taught us things daddies should teach their girls. We never had the lecture about how a man should treat us, everytime Becky had a date over, he would always start with the jokes 'What are you going to do, choose up sides and smell armpits?', 'Watch out, she picks her nose and will wipe it on your car'. Needless to say, Polly and I never had too many dates we brought home. I'm so grateful we don't live in a society where the parents pick the husbands for their girls.

I guess what hurts the most is he never told me he loved me. When he did, it was always followed by 'but'. 'I love you, but you always make me mad', we could never do anything the right way, and any complaints would always escalate to a fight. Remember, I said I was a lot like him, so I would start yelling and calling him names, just as he would to me. He also never told me I was pretty. I heard him complimenting Polly (I'll bet she's suprised to read that!), but he would only critize me. Daddy's are supposed to treat their little girls as special, for that matter, parents are supposed to treat their children as special. And believe me, I never felt special about anything.

To his credit, I was able to move home after I graduated from college and live rent-free, but it wasn't without paying in other, emotional ways. I moved out when I got my first job and was gone for about a year, but I decided to go back to school and they let me move in again rent-free for about a year. When I finally got a 'real' job, I wanted to stay for awhile to save up some money, but he came home one day and announced he was retiring, and I was out within the week. There is No Way I could have stayed there with him not working.

Why am I rehashing all this? I should be over it, that happened more than 25 years ago. When your parents become ill, and they age, it's a rude awakening. It's a sad thing to see them start to have problems, and become less independant. They were always there to 'protect' you, even if they didn't know really how to do it. Dad and I have always had problems, he never physically abused us, he put all 3 of us through college, even if he didn't get his High School diploma. He wanted better things for us. There was never a question that we would go to college. He did have it tough, he grew up during the depression, married his high school sweetheart, lost his mother when he was young, went to war (WWII, the Big One as he says), buried his first wife and daughter and missed the funeral due to D-Day, fought cataracts and glaucoma in his early 50's and could have lost his sight. It hasn't been a walk in the park for him. Some things he never got over, I don't think he had the tools to solve lots of his problems (remember I said his dad was a nasty SOB. Like father, like son.)

I can't blame my dad for all my problems and I have to give him credit for a Job Well Done, inspite of himself. I know he's still with us, but he will leave us eventually, unfortunately sooner rather than later. I don't know how to say this to him but he is my father. I didn't realize until today how much I will miss him. But he's still here and I should do something about it. But, just like him, I don't have the skills to deal with telling someone what they mean to me. So maybe he just knows I love him, just like I know he loves me. That's how my family resolves problems, we just avoid them.

More to come...
As things happen, I'll be posting. Thanks for taking the time to read. You're opinions are welcome but if you have to start calling me names, don't bother, I won't read them. As my Dad says 'Opinions are like a**holes, everyone has one.'